It isnt easy, you know, to write to your daughter wondering if you ll be there when she reads it…it may be that the reason I have been trying hard to put my thoughts into words here unsuccesfully, maybe I m failing coz I dont stand up when, late at night, or very early in the mornings, the right thoughts come to mind…. maybe I m failing due to the huge amount of legally prescribed druggs which have been reducing my brain to cloudy stuff…. but I am determined now to at least try.
Since I got this mail from my friend Nyx, when she tells me she wants to have a baby, she whom I felt so mirrored at some point, so alike in when I was her age, she whom to I, so many times in the recent past, thought about suggesting the idea……
I am not of the beleif that every woman has to go through motherhood, not at all. I was utterly convinced untill my 30th that I would never (ever) make life with a male partner, forget about children…. I am also (untill today) utterly convinced that some women should be deeply denied the right to concieve. But life goes on and, in most cases of intensly, intelligently lived ones, it changes you.
I was a strong comunist activist in my teens. I grew up in between two harsh dictadures (21 years of the Brazilian one, a bit less of the Argentinian but, I have to say, harder in the memories), and then my beliefs changed. I was of the very strong opinion that I would not enjoy life in England, and I did not so for some 15 years, then something happened and hey, here I am, thouroughly enjoying life in London (even when summer isnt summer).
So I did not believe in full time relationships with men. And then Andy came into my life. I did also not believe in the actual contract of marriage, and hey, not only did we get married, but (again) thouroughly enjoyed our white wedding (and the 10 years spent together)
I did not think motherhood was for me. I had an abortion aged 23 (I think,maybe 22 or 21, so much the magnitude the event had for me I cannot remember the right year) and not once I looked back to even think what would ve happened if…… not at all.
But then life came to me with all the marvelous things we (Andy and I) were sharing, and I looked around and I saw it, and life changed me, and I said it, the *I wanna have a baby* thing…..
I reckon it all happened summer 94, Sarita was born february 96.
I can still today feel the feeling I had when alone with her the first night of her life, and sometimes I still cry the same happy tears I cried then when I look at her sleeping.
It is not all happy tears.
There are a lot of frustrating moments, lots of lack of words and lots of words I wish I havent said.
But she is of my life the very best, and all efforts are worth when I see we can spend a whole week without living the flat (we need to save money and I had to punish her for lying, so no friends or play outside either…) on school holiday time and laugh endlessly to silly things, when I can see she is starting to listen a bit more carefully, when I realised she is gone and find her silently sitting at the windowsill reading the little prince…..
It is hard for me to come and write, but maybe it is coz I dont want to have this idea of me leaving you and you having to come and read here….I deeply wish I can be with you as Abuelita Pupi is with us untill now, telling me tales of my childhood and all three of us laughing up to tears…….
So, like Tia Claudia said, lets think that we ll be reading this together and similing in the future….beacuse in any case, you know how much I love you.