……the land of the Law and Order and CSI's and Sue Thomas and (yeah, this one s the worse one) Touched by an Angel…….
I m singing the West End Story song in my head and I m thinking, I have been, for as long as I lived in London, correcting the Brits when they refer to the North America stuff n people, America is the whole thing, I am American too, just from the South…..
Maybe it's the fact that (3 days to go to my 48th) I'm getting old….I'm restrained to a very slow pace life at the moment, I'm watching an enourmous amount of television….but I tell you, I've tried. I have watched entire series of Prime Suspect or Dr. Who…..and still cant get inside it like I do with CSI's or Star Treck…(yeah, beat me!)
It is, my friends, totally true that when we are young we want to change the world (well, some of us, at least), but it also, oh so true, that in the process of it, struggling with it, life can change you big time.
If you told me 20 years ago I would be writing anything like these two first paragraphs, I would' ve laughed so hard….but then again it is true that if you told me, not 20 but 18 years ago that I would be marrying a man and (this was a big thing of mine) have a child…….marriage..children…..defenetly not words in my vocabulary, no way….even the fact that I would be living in the city of London, which I came to by mere coincidence (hey hey, we dont believe in that…there s not such thing as coincidence in life…remember?) well, lets then say chance…..
Yes, life changes you (well, me) big time.
I used to read Kafka, Proust, Shaekspeare, I was interested in experimental music, wouldn't sleep with someone to get a recording deal (that happened twice, twice!!!!!!!!), wouldn't accept a job singing in a restaurant or jewish weddings even when it meant I would be earning 4 times the money I was earning at the time……
These days I watch, read and listen, with fascination, I have to add, a huge number of things I would' ve despised some years ago.
Until the begining of last year, my most important urge was to be able to go back to Trancoso (the lil village in northeast Brazil where we've got our house) and carry on with the life we had (until we had to come back to England in 2001, that's another long story). Then another big thing of life made me change my mind, like Sarita's eminent secundary school process, her desition to go into Performing Arts….then I decided we will stay in London, I m gonna even go to Trancoso to sell the house (don't get too exited, it isnt worth more than £10000 , about U$ 19000), even though (oh God, so many thoughs in my life!) it wont even (again) cover a years tuition of Sylvia Young's for Sarita…..but if I manage to put the money to work, it will maybe pay for her college and University…..
But I have been having this dreams about America (North America, the United States of), we are in a train, full of people, we are standing up in the train, the train is moving, we are going to some event, this guy is complaining about having to work in it, I leap into some *be humble* comment….then I wake up….So I cant see what it means.
Yes, I know, I wanna live in America, North America, The United States of.
But I will be (in only 3 days) 48 years old, and I am not in very good health.
It hasn't been a problem in the past to move around the world, not even after Sarita was born (which we both, her father and I, thought it would slow us down…), I have stamina, energy, strenght, I can make big changes, start life in different countries, learn languages, you know, life, all over again.
But it was hard when I was forced to stay in London the last time.
Maybe it is because I dont like British way of life, but it is precisely because of the British system that I am alive and well….nowhere else in the world would I have survived 5 years of work….. ok, I am not gonna keep writing, I m just gonna go and watch Sue Thomas ….as I have wasted all day in bed, after my sister in law's (ex, ex sister in law!) visit and massage yesterday (wasw great,btw), I will come to write about this later.
But I have met two people here who write great stuff, and I actually do understand what they write, I can feel what they feel, these two women (one so different to me, the other not so (different), and they are citizens of the USA. I do have one or two female friends who are British, but you cannot actually put them in the *British Drawer*… (just read my friend Nyx here1) whom I understand what they are saying, and (like in Nyx case) I even feel deep what they are feeling (especially now that she wants to have a baby!!!!)…but if you look into my very loved and dearest……well well, you will find Brazilians, Argentinians, Spanish, Canadians, and NorthAmericans…..ok I said I wasn't gonna write anymore, time to go make some dinner…..