Being a survivor…..

…….and other things I would like to write about, but have been making an effort to stay away from the PC, as I had to drive Sarita to music school this morning, she does the violin, but there are 3 other classes (ensemble, reading n writing music), which means that, appart from driving to (is it Golders Green or Cricklewood?), which is not painfull in the morning, but I do know it will be (very painfull) on the way back, with all the Hendon Way & Finchley Road traffic, and sitting in the car for 3 1/2 hs doesnt contribute to drive away the pain, so to speak…..

So, as I was saying, whilst I sit (well, lay more like it), away from the PC I think, quiet a lot since I've found Vox, about the things I would like to write about. There's a lot, funny, coz I don't do much these days (here is Mr Pain again), but I see myself thinking, for example, of what would I write here about, say, a TV program, some very cool, some very stupid advertising, a book I m almost finished reading…..and on doing so, I surprised myself yesterday  realising that what I was thinking wasn't exactly pouring from my soul, but thinking on not sounding stupid to the people who read here, which brought me to the subject of Being Truthfull To Oneself…….

Maybe I'm not gonna make much sense here, but try to follow……

I have allways thought a bit silly of the action of writing about what one does during the day, what we eat, what soap we use to shower (or bath, as it seems a common British practice, which yourstrully,being a beach girl (I am a bit of a bitchy girl too, but noth to do with personal hygine)cannot easily accept if not followed by the shower thing, so as I was saying, I find it a bit silly to write a diary like I did aged 12, and that has nothing to do with the people reading, but my idea of Sarita (my daughter) reading in the future.

I want to leave her something where she can see ourselves reflected, and where she would feel a bit of what I feel today. And I am not being morbid on thinking of a legacy, I may outlive all my perfectly healthy friends and enemies, but, hey, life is unpredictable, I was 37 when Sarita was born, so, even if I live long and prosper (oh, I would like to be a Vulcan, coz of the logyc, see, I fail to see logyc in most things in this unfair society) ,btw, does it spell like this? logyc, I mean….maybe I should go study English, get proper qualifications, anyway, even if I live to see my grandchildren, it ll be fun to read together and laugh, or get a bit emotional…..I do it with my parents even these days, and I am so gratefull my mum was as keen on photographing ourlives during my childhood as I am….. I feel inmensly (does such word exists?) happy to be able to look at the past, and hey, I was born paralysed, didnt walk till aged 5, had zillions of operations in my legs before I was 8, but it is good to be able to see the past, even if not all roses, coz it help us understand who we are, why we do some stuff, and how much we have battled……..

Please note that I am talking about looking at the past, and not getting stuck in it….. I know some people who do….not nice, not nice at all.

So I was thinking about the Being Truthfull when writing……because I know I have no *literary style* or wotever you call to write nice, interesting for people, I know I go away from the subject, talk a lot (write), so I surprised myself with something in my mind, very difficult to explain in exactitude, and I realised it was because I have met some very cool, nice people here, younger and vibrant people, who write marvelous stuff, and I , ermm, kinda dont want to be boring, Oh, I know my life story isnt boring, but I could be a bore writing……and I also realised that I think of my life at the moment as boring, because I am not working, because I rarely go out these days, and I am a bit monotematic, for example, in my photography (in which I am less than amateur, but I adore it!)….my one obsession is, of course, Sarita….

I thought about the times in which the net was like a breathing tool in my life.

Imagine: I thought computers were evil in 1990. Then in 96 (I m quiet sure Sarita was born already, we still lived together, Andy and I) my friend Maria Eugenia came to London on a tursitic visit, and….oh boy……not only she showed me how to mail and use the msn, but  also introduced me to the chat rooms of gay.com.

I was still married to Andy and very much in love, with no intentions wotsoever to incurre on infidelity, but sister, was I having fun!!!!!!! That was put aside as very soon after M Eugenia's visit, Andy was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and started to drink himself to what would be the end of our marriage, his fatherhood and (am not the only one to say this) his lucidity.

In a last, loving, very corageous attempt to save it all, we moved to North East Brasil, Trancoso, to live together in intermitence (he would travel to London a lot to see the neurologist, and his stays would increase in time) for about 18 months. I remained in Trancoso for a further 18 months (or some like that, it's all a bit blurry) until he, seeing the bullying of threatening to kidnapp Sarita wasn't working, brought me over with some Inland Revenue excuse…… I was then trapped. This was April 2001. I have lived on my own with Sarita since, and despite all my attempts for him to be present in her life……he isnt.

But, see what I was saying? I am asking myself now why am I writing about Andy, with that Deja Vu feeling…the ramifications of my writing can be even worse than those of my talking (my friends who know me generally keep me in track, so they dont have to listen to the same crapp 4 times in the week)

Ah, Ok, computers, Evil, Discovery, loving the net, meeting some very fantastic people in and through it  (I ve met in the flesh a lot of the people I met online). There is a long story about how I came (by mere coincidence) to meet the fetish scene, how I would then start to write for the site, meet a guy whom I thought, at that time, to be very special, have a 3 years relationship, (well, a tortuous, complex,unexplicable thing,but then again I never have simple encounters with people…) and all these events got me learning a bit about computers, and finally, for reasons of the real flesh,(like hypocresy, lies, egotistic manners,really twisted personalities, more lies); funnily enough, I came to hate the net.

I severed my ties with the net and the scene before I (finally!) put an end to that *relatiosnhip*, that plus the fact that my hip replacement went wrong in 2003, and they keep open me up like a Uni corpse, and I hurt, a lot, when sitting a lot at the PC, and every place I found to write the journal didnt seem to me all that apealling, I stopped getting interested in people in the net.

But then Wokka introduced me to Fotothing  (hey, I learned to do the link thingy!!!!), and I was hooked.

There were advantages to Fotothing, you did not need to talk, but even in the interactive, people are great, the general behaviour is one of positive energy, and the negavite is easy to ignore.

I had another operation last december, which got me away from the computer and Fotothing, but I catch up from time to time now, and then life put my friend Nyx back in touch with us, and she introduced me to Vox…..and here I am.

I have met some amazing people here, I delight in reading their stuff (even if they write about  what they had for breakfast), and it was from one of these people that I read (in a comment to me) exactly what I thought when coming back to the PC when I started the Fotothing thing.

Something along the lines of not searching for intensity on the net, but take it lightly, oh, I wish I had the energy to translate what he wrote, maybe I will at some point, as he happens to be Brazilian, he is a very wise guy, I reckon, Fisgus,

But again, I have wondered from the subject I wanted to address, have written a looooooooot, prolly not said what I wanted to……but I know it's ok. This is the way I am lately, my mind doesnt keep much track of things, partly coz of the medication, partly I dunno why, but this is me. The real one. So when Sarita reads later in life she will know, she will remember.

So in conclusion: There is a lot in my mind at the moment, and I am enjoying writing about it.(There, see, I am sure an English person would just written that and *it would do*)

I have found AtomicApril, a firey, magnificent almost twin soul and through her JettBlack; I have found the Brazilians (oh joy!)Fisgus and CherrySoda,  found Noname Wynd, Pipsytip, who is British, the very first Brit with whom I can talk musicals yay!!!!

All this makes me beleive stronger in the power of survival, the posibility of making my further studies happening ,thus improving our quality of life….. I had become a bit of a recluse in the past few months, especially with Wokka getting a gf (which I don't dislike but don't exactly like either), I was hardly having adult conversation, and a mother can love her child(/dren) hugely, but, trust me, we need to comunicate in areas other than mothering in order to keep sane and even give our child(/dren) a better parent….

I have written a lot and prolly not exactly all I intended in the begining, but feels good. 🙂

Ah, I almost forgot. the REPLY BUTTON.

People of Vox: We NEED a reply button. It is a bit difficult for people like us (not computer literate) to find our friends postings to reply, it all gets lost in the search, and I know Nyx has already said it as a Vox Tip, Fisgus has said it in English and in Portuguese, and asked people to tag all their postings with reply button, maybe we will get one, so, REPLY BUTTON…. 🙂

Driel: Thanks for the visit 🙂 eu quiz fazer comment no teu blog, mas nao deu, as posts que eu achei tem restricted comments…. Te coloquei na lista pra vc poder leer ja que ultimamente nao estou querendo postar publico :)  Hair e o maximo!!!!

 

 

 

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About thelatinmrspeel

in the process of moving blogs, so more will come later
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