I am a bit pissed off with the people physically around me, who commit themselves to stuff and then forget about the f*** commitment….
You will forgive my incursion on the swearing bits, but I m angry, depressed a bit again.
It went like this: before Sarita left, I had to buy stuff for packed lunch, food for me to feed without having to go to the shops all the time, therefore I run out of bloody money. Run out, dried, skint, pennyless,dura, completamente.
So, when we were coming back from the shops on sunday, and next door neighbor was at her balcony smoking, as she always offers, I asked if I could borrow a tener (that' ll be £10 – ten British Sterling Pounds, for all of you who arent familiar with this, one of the most expensive curency on earth…). She says of course, no worries, sure. Only she wasnt there when I went to knock on the door in 3 different times a day on monday, same on tuesday…..I ended up recking the Winnie the Pooh tin, a piggybank/sealed can…you gotta take a tin opener to get the money) which I wanst planning to do so untill the day before embarking to my beloved Brasil (yes with S, am terribly pissed of tonight and our Brasil is with S )….
Then the kid, Lauren, who is supposed to be Sarita's best friend, practically lives in my flat, had offer to come and help with the cat litter, and (so she said) come every day just to check out if I was ok, and not get bored….
Well, none of that happened, so yesterday, when I was on my way out to the Portuguese teacher meeting…I knocked on the door, asked her if she could give me a hand…and she said no, she had trampolin class….Trampolin classes, I know as I used to take Sarita too, doesnt start til 19.00 hs, that was at 16:20….but, hey, I thought, never mind…and I said: Ok Darling, we do it tomorow, give me a shout when you get back from school, or maybe you rather have dinner first?…..she says, no, I never eat when I come back from school, will knock at three fifteen….
Did she knowcked on your door?
Right, she didnt knock in mine either. I thought, hey, maybe she doesnt know how to read the time yet ,and this you may find cruel, but she is awfully slow, especially when you have an *adult-like, hyper confident child like mine to compare her to, and the fact that this kid is 2 years older than Sarita…ok, I m not gonna go much into it….
16:15 deeper silence
16:30 still deep silence
16:45 I decided to make my way to the supermarket and buy some gorgeous pastrami, gerkins, smoked salmon,cream cheese, lemon mousse and a bottle of Dr Pepper to calm down my frustrating anger.
I wasnt all this pissed off, but I came in, put stuff away in my fridge and my *friend* Paula calls me, greeting me with a
Where the hell have you been? not in the same hell you inhabit, I thought, but last thing I wanted was to get into a metaphysical discussion of how little people love me in this country, then I passed on to explain how I got her voice message late (this, my dear, was over 2 weeks ago, and I have been in most of the time after it, also she doesnt call every month either) and I then forgot, plus the fact that I dont have free calls evenings and weekends anymore, as I had to cut out in all extra expenses, and as nobody calls me in this country, the only people I spend monety to call are in other countries, and the calls are cheaper than to a landline here if you are clever and use Latino Call cards or Telediscount for all other countries…..
So I was telling her how tired, in pain and angry I was…and I started crying a bit again, but I censored myself and stopped, as my British *friends* do not understand such an emotional expression…or worse than that…can't take it, so they will not call you for at least another couple of months, totally terrified of having to face tears again….
I cried on my own, my mum calls.
Had to stopp crying, in here for a more noble cause, my mum has very high blood preassure, is 70 years old….and to her I'm still 12….she will end up not being able to sleep tonight thinking that I'm not well, she is far, cant do anything for me….so, there, I stopped again….
I dont seem to be able to rcy these days, for one reason or another.
So I came here.
Eu sei, de repente ja chorei muito morando no Rio, na Bahia, no Brasil sempre tem alguem que entende, e mesmo aqueles que nao sao amigos *do peito* vao te dar um abraco, tentar conversar, o nao conversar, sei la….
Estou terrivelmente cansada, o corpo doi entao vou ter que ir pra cama….eu sei que vai passar, a Sarita volta amanha,a vida continua, a gente tem que continuar, e eu escrevi de coracao aquelas coisas das quais estou agradecida……mas que a vida aqui pode se tornar incrivelmente dificl no lado emocional….pode.
Mas nao e mole nao, viu?