About the past,lesbians,madness……

….and other herbs,I am here to catch up with actual events, I feel a lot more rested and calm today, and as Sarita is watching as much as she can of Dr Who on the on demand tele (and I have seen them all), I will try to describe the latest events (actually not an easy task…).

I trust my instincts in general, and I have been dead worried about a friend of mine in the US, my dear Phyllis wasnt replying to my mails (so not like her) and as she has a cronic (very serious) health problem, I (of course) went to try phone her. Only to my frustration, the number was in the memory of my last device, which died merciless. I got in touch with another friend of ours (who is actually in Australia), who told me Phyllis should be ok as she logged into bondage.com that very day. (why it did not occur to me to go there,it's prolly deep into my unconcious dislike for most of the ppl in that site). I got a beauuuuuuuuutifull mail from her today, after Nikki kicked her bum for not writing to me šŸ™‚

On the other hand, my telephone has been ringing non stop, bringing the crazy,fullon past (like 20 + years ago) back into my relarively quiet present life. These 2 women were the most important ones in my life in SouthAmerica. With both I had very intense relationships, with both done the most crazy, amazing, dangerous, adventurous, both legal & ilegal, things…..With both I laughed to tears, cried endless ones. With both I learned and tought (one being 6 years my senior, the other 4 years younger), with both I passionately loved, passionately fought (in ocasions physically).

The first one, Marta, had kept in touch on n off till Sarita was 2 years old, and I got a call from my dad in the end of january, very shortly after we came back from Brazil, she had call and left her email. I got in touch, she's been married to a gorgeous french girl, 36 years old, in Spain, some time in Barcelona, they are now in Madrid and planning to go back to Paris in July, apparently the French (weird one this one, the French being the country I remember in my young mind as lesbian and artistical paradise) have not yet accepted same sex marriage, so they had to get married in France…,Marta is calling me at least once a week, which is great, we both have grown up wisely (I reckon) and she is emotionaly a lot (a LOT) better, which makes friendship ater so long beautifull.

The second one was a shock to me. I almost froze when I saw the mail on monday. Reason for it, the way we parted, with families ploting together as in a Shaeksperean play, 21 years ago, taking her away to Italy, not letting her return to Rio (where we lived last). We did keep in touch by (very passionate) letters n ocassional phone calls, but remember this wasnt an internet time, or even cheap phone calls cards; with the families opposing and life carrying on, we lost touch.I was 25 then. 

One of the things we did in the middle of the 2 years together was having a tattoo made. We were back in Rio after a time in the beach of Geriba, Buzios (the part of the state of Rio de Janeiro Briggitte Bardot & her peers brought to fame), where we had a bar on the beach, only we didnt get to work it for long, as the male couple who were supposed to put up the other half of the money (we rented the place,they were supposed to bring in the food & drink) very nicely informed us that had none (money I mean). So, as I was saying, we were in Rio, peniless,sleeping @ the all stars hotel of our choice for over a week (some times Copacabana beach, sometimes Ipanema beach, once we did Flamengo), which would tell you also that those were very, very different times….I'm not so sure you can sleep on the beaches of Rio these days without being shot…., but (as I m again going out of the subject) though we had nothing but our youth and the love for each other, decided to have a tattoo done.

So we did.


The year of 84/85 saw our very last 100 US dollars given to a girl called Aninha, who was one of the best at the time, a shop in Ipanema, and planets, rays n clouds appeared in our right arm….. Hers is a very subtle variation of mine, and (as she tells me now) she had it re-touched, which means that hers looks a hell lot better than this…Funny thing was that, Andy, Sarita's dad, had allways said he would pay for me to have it re-touched, but never did. Another thing was,in 2004/05 (20 years, exactly after I had it done) in Trancoso, there was a tattoo convention. I had, since 2001, wanted another tattoo, which would mark the JBW in my life (another long story), so I asked Pepe, a Swiss tattooist who had lived in Trancoso for 15 years, to do it and re-colour this one…..only he insisted in doing something different over the base of this….and I ended up not having anything done, I did never want to loose what this tattoo had meant to us….

So, you see, when this girl gets in touch with me via email, and the first words are…..

hey, how are you doing….not sure if you remember me, my name is Sandra, have never, for one minute of my life all these years, have stopped thinking of you, where you were, what you would be doing……

my jaw dropped hugely…..

I then answered, trying to describe in a few words (yeah, I know, impossible when I am writing, or talking, for what's worth….lol) what had happened to my life. We exchanged a few mails, then we got on the phone. Someone had told me, in the early 90's that she was married to an Italian guy and had a kid, for what, when I was living in Spain, I tried to find her address in Bologna, where I knew she had gone, but none knew, or someone said she didnt want to get in touch with ppl from the past (which she tells me now not being true, but I did understand at the time…)

Her first daughter is 19 now,- my age when I met you and run away with you….she tells me- and, another spooky thing, her other daughter will be 11 in May (like Sarita was 11 in Feb) and will start circus classes (like Sarita does Performing Arts)this month. She is still married, a good arrange, him being very understanding to her nature, she says, living in Mar del Plata (a beach in the province of Buenos Aires,Argentina)…..

We have spoken 3 times since monday, laughed a lot, looking back to the craziest things we've done, but the spookiest thing of all this is that the lady who read Tarot for me a couple of months ago had told me about all this….


I was a bit reluctant to write about this here, mainly coz I think of the blog as a thing for Sarita to read in the future about our life together, but as I have told her about the women in my life recently, and every anecdote I recall seems to amuse her to no ends, and as I have raised her to respect every human being, not to be a racist or discriminate religions or gay people, I am here, living a written testimony of my past life, for her, maybe my grandchildren to laugh in 20 or 30 more years…..

I thought also amazing Sarita's reaction to all this….not only to when I told her about my (I have spent hours trying to find a description, as I dont really think bisexual is the word, but, you know…) bisexuality, but also about all these people and the things I ve been through….

She has allways been very proud of the fact that my mum has had so many jobs, so she could travel the world and carry on singing…., and now she is, all the time, reflecting about the very good side of me having had relationships with women…..only a couple of days ago, having breakfast in bed, she came up with the good thing is, if I discover one day I am a lesbian, I don't need to be worried about coming out to you!!!!! to which I make her reflect about society and the outside world in general not accepting it very well(coz it doesnt! no matter how many gay rights campaigners or clubs or groups you can tell me there are, discrimination is still a huge issue), so the need to be carefull, wise, and very diplomatic, in other words, to know who to talk openly about this stuff….. 

Another thing which left me smiling but also at loss of words, was the fact that she, with no prompting or couching from anyone (as far as I know, and she talks a lot to me, I would ve known) reflected about how she sees maybe relationships with women stronger, like, we know each other better, dont we? and boys can allways force you to things and stuff, and they like other stuff, so it'll be more fun with a girl….

To this, though I was a bit short of words, I replied that the fact that men and women are so different sometimes makes it more the fun and interesting, explained about the complementing each other fact, the beautty of having children (you can kill me or think of me as passee, but I m not sure I aproove of women getting test tube babies with each other…), and told her not to forget about the beautifull things I have told her before about my other boyfriends, and, very especially, not to forget how marvelous the 10 years I had with her father were to me…….

We then spend a whole afternoon talking about love and falling in love, what I think about it, how I changed as my life changed, and how important is that she doesnt *pick* a boy or a girl because of what the mind thinks, but because she has fallen in love…..and that life will bring that to her in due time. I insisted (though she knows) I will support her and be here if she needs to talk…..but now I'm gonna finish this as my legs, my back, even my fingers, are all aching…..  :) 



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About thelatinmrspeel

in the process of moving blogs, so more will come later
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