Addictions….

…..are not a very good thing in my life. Or in everyone's life, as far as my experience has taught me. But yes, I am one of those who has an addictive personality. Not that people get addicted to me, but that I tend to have obssesive fixations with certain things for months, even years at the time. (though I have had two or three who did get addicted to me, that was, also, not a good thing).

I had addictions to many things along my (not so short) life. The ones that taught me the most were the ilegal substances, and, trust me, one doesn't learn in the first go. I had to loose everything material and lots of  – ermmm…unmaterial? moral?…..– lets call them things of the soul to wake up from the addiction.  I have also been addicted to work, to certain kind of music, to certain foods…but those are minor addictions, the ones that one can fit in a (if one call call mine such) kind of sane life.

The problem that I have at the moment is my Vox addiction. It isnt as in posting as much as reading people, comments, replying, get lost into a different dimension, one I am, of course, loving. Every minute of it.

I came to Vox in a time of my life in which I really, really wanted to write a diary for Sarita, but with no intention or even sympathy for the online world. That I had navigated enough, and, as in some of my addictions, though I am more of a face to face or real life (again, if there is such a thing as…) person, and I ned up meeting all the people who were part of my online world, but, in very few words, I had no interest in reading what anyone had for breakfast, or even filosophical, political, religious disertations. Nothing, nada, niente, Rien. I only wantde a place to write, where I could post pictures, and it would be left for Sarita to read when she grows up. 

So I tried many sites: Blogger, LiveJournal, DiaryLand, many more I cant recall, but have never passed the second post. Either I didnt have the ability to make the design look good, or couldnt post pictures, or (probably in an unconcious gaff) simply couldnt remember the password.

And the someone from my past invited me to Vox. Love at first sight, first write, first read. Still, I was determined not to post for others, not to read others. I wanted to write about my life, our life, just Sarita and me, and that was the name I gave to my Flickr. My determination didn't last long. I knew I was swimming the ocean away from the UK, with waters full of *merkan* accents….but great was my surprise when I read a post in Portuguese….and from Brazil. That was my very first *neighbor*, my darling friend Fisgus , who, though not posting often, as he is one of the many who favour LJ, when doing so….worth to stop for the delight.

From that on I have found so many people who have given me so much, even without knowing, who have made me think, feel and, above all, laugh. That was one thing, a very important thing which was missing in my life big time, especially when Carina left the UK. I am laughing out loud a lot these days, even when my day has been far from smiley.(or maybe the irony of being laughable). I started coming to Vox if I felt a bit low, coz I knew that, even when everything seemed bleak, reading Vox would make me at least smile. And there is the moral support, like sweet Ceji wonderfully described yesterday in her Vohaholic post…..

I'm not gonna name all of you, my neighbors & friends list isnt all that big,(though it keeps growing) , but it's about all of you in my neighbors list I'm writing. Some of you more like me than others, some so different it's delightfull how much I can learn….and most of you on the bloody other side of the pond. Arrrrghhhh. Being poor sucks. (otherwise I could jump in a plane)

But anyway, I was writing about my addictions, and in particular this Vox addiction is bothering me a bit. I am deviating (I love that word!) from my goal. I have started to get that exhibitionist side of me out again, and that isnt writing for my child…..but the worse bit is that I am not a very fast reader (me being a bloody foreigner and all) and a couple of days ago I spent the whole afternoon, part of the night and early hours of the morning just reading and replying to comments…..and I have still not moved the computer to my bedroom (where I could write in a better position for my hips and therefore not ending up in excrutiating pain). Thing is, see, if I move the PC to my bedroom, another addiction of mine wont be possible at the same time: Law and Orders and CSI's and all that crime TV . Oh well. It's hadly a life dilema, I know. And by writing this comes to mind another aspect of Vox:

By writing my misadventures of the past year or so, I have seen stuff of my mind and soul which would ve taken much longer time to come to knowdlege, and, at least in my case, knowledge and accepting certain things is the way to betterness in life, healing and moving on. Which brings me into why the hell am I writing about all these …..well, I reckon as a deviation (hehe, again, I love the word, but I have no idea if I'm using it right in English) from my biggest problem at this moment in time: 

….my daughter is becoming a teenager.

She is changing, and with her changing our relationship does too.  And that, believe you me, is scary. I know how much I disliked my mother when I was 14. I never stopped loving them, my parents, but I really dislike them in my teens. I thought they were being unfair, old and not very understanding. You know, the parenting thing.

I know I have also written about this before, and all of you have been so great, so encouraging in complimenting my skills as a mum….but, you see, you only have what I write to give an opinion (I wont say judge, as, luckily, I dont see a lot of *judgement* here in Vox)…not that I dont depict the reality…but one tends to write more the good side of things than the bad. There was this  Post from Jodi , it got me looking at some stuff I know I should radically change, still…I'm lingering and procastinating….sometimes making excuses…you know…pain, doctors, medication…

there can be no excuses when educating your child.

And probably I just started writing about how Voxaholic I am, how addicted to Vox I am lately that I spend a lot more time on the computer….simply because we had a bad argument today. I guess I don't want to write about it.

I know parenting doesnt come with the instruction manual. I also know I'm not doing too bad, but sometimes, in days like today, I wish I wasn't living in the UK, I wish I was nearer my mum & dad, my entire family and my life time friends, if not to ask for advise, at least to rant and moan a bit, even to cry a little bit more.

Anyway, I know it'll pass. I ll go to sleep and tomorrow, (as Scarlet said, so long ago) tomorrow will be another day.

So I will take this opportunity to do my 5 a day, which is another brilliant aspect of Vox: no matter how bad my day has been, I feel almost obliged to find my gratefullness, so I dont let the girls down…

Today I am gratefull

  • for my computer and the fact that, even not knowing a damm thing on the tecchie side, I have been able to keep it running and sort everything out.
  • for chamomile and spiced apple tea.
  • for Skype (so I can talk to the right people in times like this, for free or almost free)
  • for the education my parents have given me
  • for having had strenght to confront my addictions in the past and therefore have no regrets

And I feel that I have to thank all the people who make Vox, (you are saving me a huge amount of money in therapy!!!)

I will try to go read you all, beautifull people who inhabit my world right now….you will understand if I cant make it to all of you…it's been a hard's day night……

🙂

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About thelatinmrspeel

in the process of moving blogs, so more will come later
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