….can be a terribly difficult experience.
I have been sitting here staring at the screen trying to reply to a message, and though I have thousands of things to say to the person I'm writing to, no words would come to my finger tips. So I decided to come here and do what I had been doing untill I discovered all these wonderfull people in Vox, which was to write for my child and in doing so, I was going through a kind of therapy…writing down what happens sure helps me looking at it differently.
I know she is in that age in which children don't listen, I know it's not an anomaly, but I can't help thinking that if I was a bit heavier on the discipline side in the past, maybe we wouldn't be having these problems now. In not so many words, I m feeling guilty of spoiling her rotten. And now I'm depressed.
I'm tired, still I didnt leave my bed untill 6:30pm. The twit came, poor boy, I am now totally convinced that this guy has a *learning difficulty* which wasn't spotted earlier, so now he goes through life as one who is just a bit bumber than your average dumb. It wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't left with stuff to do because he didn't do it right.
My tens unit's pads wont stick anymore, the pain in my right leg was unbearable today. I took more pain killers (which I had succesfully lowered dosage in the past, but seem to be the only thing which keeps me active) I have sleepless nights and then I come alive at 3am…. maybe I shoudl get a job as a security guard…oh no, wait a minute, I cant do the martial arts thing any more.
Here is where I stop writing, otherwise it will turn into a hate post, the kind of entry in which I rant about my consultant and how I wish I never said – Go ahead then…. – the morning of the 20th of january 2003 at UCH after they gave me the night (in hospital, alone, without anyone to talk it through) to decide if I wanted still the hip replacement, after they told me –it wasn't gonna happen quiet as planned…- after they did the CT scan they should have done 6 month before and found out that I had made myself quiet a difficult case for them…..because I fought my problems and went on to have a very active life.
Here is where I really, really should stop writing, and say to myself,: C'mon……you know you aren't pissed off coz of your body pains, you are pissed off coz you have argued with your child…..
So I will.