Can’t win….

…this war going on in my body. I have been dealing with it quiet well, but, as usual, I voice the fact….and everything goes bananas. I left the computer last night after editing some pictures and having a great laugh with Ceji on Skype [this girl never fails to lift my mood,paints a smile in my face 🙂 ] read a bit of my book. As my left arm was hurting a bit more than it has been lately, I decided to go to sleep. But sleep wouldn't come, pain had decided to stay.

There was no position I could change that would make it go away, and I started to get a bit scared, as you do when you had a heart problem, are still a smoker and your left arm doesn't want to let you know what's going on.

Up until now I put it down to the accidents I had in the past, the car my ex crashed in 02/04, the falls in my kitchen last year due to Camden Council's total neglect of my telling them what was wrong with my heating/hot water system, my kitchen floor lifting up in bubbles looking like some surreal Lewis Carroll world….then there was the heart thing…but the problem was more a muscle thing, or even a joint problem….and last month I was told about the Fibromyalgia, which explained (almost).

So there were 2 options: call the ambulance (and that was gonna be a problem itself, not forgetting Sarita had to be up in an hour) or get moving and see if it was the Fibromyalgia….so I did.

Cleared the sink, rinsed everything and put a dishwasher on, all from my high chair, washed up what couldn't be done in the machine, cleaned the kitchen, washed the recycling, made breakfast, even started dinner for tonight….and yes, the arm thing seemed to get better…but the lower part of my body was in agony.

I still have dinner on the stove, so I cannot go to bed (another half hour or so), I have to drive Sarita to Sylvia Young.

What can one do when different illnesses ask for different (or may I say completely opposite) treatment? My hips, knees, general arthritis and the side effects of all the cuts up my body was subjected in life (especially in the past 4 years), those ask for rest, gentle movement.

The Fibromyalgia (which means I wake up as if I didn't sleep at all, every pore of my body hurts in a vicious way, at times I can't move some parts of it, I feel very sick , get migranes, and a vast encyclopedia of other symptoms I wont spell here as I do, really, like you guys, quiet a lot, and also have a lot of dignity to be subjected to self-humiliation…) this illness asks for movement, activity. The pain killers help (a lot, I have to say) but it is the movement that makes it less painfull during the day…only to come back in the late afternoon….

I'm in the waiting list to see the psycologist, which (I'm sure) will be pointless, as a few years ago, when I went, the answer to my whole thing was (and I quote her) *That's life…shit happens…*   and I wasn't even half as ill as I am now….. and I don't want to think about what the Pain Clinic doctors will say when they see me…as I left because I refused (again, this was in 2004 when I was looking for a solution to my anger and depression, the result of my frustration for having lost my respectfull life and was getting too agressive with Sarita, I thought I had to put a stop to it) as I was saying, I refuse to take more medication which required testing bloods every 3 months to see that my liver and kidneys weren't damaged in the process….

The worse thing last night (or this early morning) was that I had this knowdlege of being so totally on my own, lonely, alone, sola, sozinha, da sola, and I don't remember how you say it in French but you get my grip….there was not one living soul I could think about in this city who I felt would be taking Sarita into their houses if I (in the very last of the cases) have to go to hospital…….well, maybe there are 2 or 3 people I can think of, but they would not be to happy. They wont tell me, of course, but one knows, and then one does not feel too good.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad I'm in England, I am generally happy with my life the way it is….without looking further I had a good day yesterday, I confront adversity [ like my friend the Jedi says 🙂 ] and I do it with the gratefullness in mind, most of times…..but today…..

….I had no sleep, my body is in agony, I'm well p***d off. I had to write it down. Wotever.

And to move on , as one do, here are some pictures of our tripp to Brussels


In love with Brussels, despite pain, anger and frustration!

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About thelatinmrspeel

in the process of moving blogs, so more will come later
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