…is one of the feelings I have come to know well.
It all started when I was a kid, because of me only starting to walk aged 5 and all the operations since birth, my parents followed medical instructions on spartan discipline: I didn't get to do ballet, no PE in school, no voley, I wasn't even allowed to ride a bicycle without support wheels, just in case and (this one being the worse of all) they would move me from the school I was in if the authorities weren't prepared to move the classroom downstairs meaning I was constantly the new kid on the block…..
Of course as soon as I had a bit of a mind of my own (that would be about12 or 13 years old) I sneaked out and did it all, but still, further along in life I have encountered this horrible feeling many times, though then it had to do more with society's taboos, human ignorance and social injustice than with my physical impairments.
Right now I'm border-lining anger trying to establish what exactly triggered my change of mood today and can't even find the words to let it all out (which would mean I could have a decent night sleep). In the process I have also exploded in rage against my computer, who seems to hate me (no kidding, this isn't a machine, is alive and hates me) insisting in changing the order of my pictures in the viewer, playing a hide and seek terribly sick game. Frustrating, very.
The stupidity of Camden Council officials demanding money from the wrong people (me, for example), Transport For London sending me Notice to the Owner (that's a traffic ticket, they photographed me driving on the bus lane, no way out, £60 within 14 days, after that £120), having to take more pills than usual amount. Frustrating, very.
So, 72 hours without proper sleep, excruciating pain (on the right side today) and the freezing of my right foot, plus the discomfort of this computer chair and not finding the words, loosing concentration, more pain…..: Frustration.
I'm gonna breath deep, listen to more music and keep repeating my Dad's mantra:
If the problem has a solution….why worry? and if it hasn't…why worry?
My capacity to think is leaving me too (I've just realized 17 minutes were gone with me staring at the monitor), so I am gonna go now….
I had *Easy to be Hard* the song from Hair, the musical, in my mind all day. Funny, isn't it, how 30 years on we haven't learned and the whole world keeps on generating war……
I am frustrated about that too, the wars, the human ignorance (how can an entire nation waist hours and hours on *I'm a celebrity, get me out of here*??????) the neglect towards global warming and more, but there are people here in my 'hood who are far better than I will ever be to talk about those issues and translate them into Frustration….
I was also trying to find a video I saw today in Current TV, by David Flashman, called The Sky is falling…but he has taken it out of YouTube and (as I'm a frustrated iliterate net user) couldn't find it in the very own current TV…..if anyone finds it, please let me know where….
Now I'm really, really gonna go, before I become even more frustrated about my inhability to leave the computer, followed by my inhability to sleep, followed by my inhability to wake up tomorrow…….