So much that I have been avoiding writing.
Writing about what happens means pretty much acknowledging and therefore solving.
I have never been one to run away from things, but when the events are such as the current in our lives, stuff which I cannot change, I wasn't sure I wanted to write about it.
My daughter, you see, my precious little baby whom I nursed on the breast for almost 3 years, that little princess who liked dressing up dollies and learn to sing in the bath tub with Maria Elena Walsh, Sound of Music and Annie…. that same one who still cannot go to sleep unless I'm there to do the *tickles* (this means stroking the side of her back in a particular way), this same girl is entering the grown up world.
This a world not so different of mine when I was 13, but faster and meaner, if those are words to suit.
(I never know, in English, you ll excuse this foreigner, but at least I try)
I don't buy the crap of the *understand your teenager* books, or the *how teenagers think* (which by the way I couldn't get pass the 15th page, and have intended to write to Jellyellie to give the kid a piece of my mind, but hey…)
There is nothing to be understood about teenagers.
The teens are a time of change, revelry, even if you have nothing to rebel against.
Time to define stuff, to make desicions on your own, to start forming your own world….which may change drastically or not in the future, but, in my honest and humble opinion, the only thing one can do about out teenage children is try to remember how it was for us.
In doing so I have been able to keep my relationship with Sarita a nice one, even though her aspiration at this time is to *fit* with a group of kids who's life consist in going every saturday to the Heath to get drunk and smoke cigarettes.
My coming into knowledge of these all, as in verbally speaking, happened when she brought a friend to spend the weekend with us. They come back not wanting dinner, and when I pass the living room and have one look at this girl, I did not need to ask, but I (ay ay, it hurt) of course, did:
"What's the matter with her? did she drink?"
""mae, everybody drunk!!!!"
"What do you mean everybody? did YOU drink?"
"maaaaaaeee, EVERYBODY drunk!!!"
so I kinda smiled, asked her what did she drink, and went over again the subject of alcoholic fathers and genetics and her father's family and having a life and not wanting to end up, well, you know the drift.
I (again) suggested that, if she HAD to drink, as to not to appear like a wimp with the kids she is trying to fit in, to ALWAYS have her own can or bottle, to just get a sip and drop it on the side….. which (thank God for that!) she confessed to have done.
I also kept (and keep still) saying (on and on and on and on, poor kid must NOT like the sound of my voice by now) that these boys are not the ones who will be having the life she dreams of, one with sports cars and a carrier and a house with a garden and children who will be loved by both parents and whole families…..
I know she isn't into drinking or smoking as in a daily thing, I know she is driven to these by what they call *peer pressure* but, though I know she does listen to me and takes things in, I cannot avoid being a bit worried.
I try, as I said, to put myself in her shoes, to listen to what she tells me without negative criticism,I know I am lucky that she talks to me, and I remember how every time my mum forbid me to befriend this or that one girl or boy, I would go to the end of the world to make the best of friendship with said this or that girl or boy…. whom, invariably, were at least 5 or 6 years older than me, not forgetting Mariana who was 16 years my senior…..
I may be wrong, but I reckon if I know who she is with, where she is and what she is doing, I have more chances of protecting her than if I just ignore or forbid stuff which then she will be doing regardless….
My solution to all these comes in the form of keeping her busy, if she is studying, doing after school & weekend courses, she has the chance of meeting people who have ambitions in life other than getting drunk every weekend, right?
well, that's gonna have to wait… why?
because of the one evil instrument which makes the world go round: money.
we are traveling to see the family this summer (which I'm dreading as I'm not well), so stiff will only happen when we come back. It will though.
I'm not happy with the school in general right now though.
No uniform could mean individuality in the best of ways, but when your child wakes up two and a half to 3 hours earlier to get ready,and this getting ready is more alike an American Next Top Model parade than going to school…..
This morning I cringed when I saw what she was wearing….and the make up…. you know what school said to me when I called to ask (to Sarita's insistence that every teacher saw them with make up and even the HeadMistress and none ever complained) :
"well….you see…is not NOT allowed…."
"what do mean by that?"
"it isn't written anywhere that they cannot wear make up…."
so WRITE IT then!
I'm not sure they learn that much these days either, to be honest…
but hey, worse is written now, I had to make a record of this, though I have dread the writing the words in black and white, I know is important for both of us that I do.
There is still the fact that we watch TV together, we do computer stuff together, she shows me every site she goes, tells me about every boy (or girl) she talks to…. and we ve been to see Hannah Montana's movie (yeah, call me childish, but I fricking loved it)
There is the issue of my health which I should be writing too…. suffice to say that I'm in and out of hospital again, and this week some big testing is in store….I may bring up some energy and will power to write about that too.
What I have been doing?
making books of memories for the future,by Sarita's request, we are printing them, and also all these have brought a new skill I didn't know I had, and something I maybe pursuing when we come back….
Here is what is gone to printing already:
these have been a pleasure to make, gained me my child's admiration and it's kind of mindless work, so it's a great pain relief therapy…. I can't wait to get the books.
That's it for now.